Tomorrow.

With my eyes on the floor, I walk this road.
Sinking into the invisible, nobody can tell.
Assassin. 
No shelter from the rain and the cold that is my heart.
I guess I'm trapped. 
Nonetheless I've walked here many a time.
"Stop. Turn around. You cannot do this" he speaks.
He is nothing new, nor is he a part of the old. 
Instead he is the part of me that hasn't fully transformed.
Or healed, as I like to call it. 
They call it a conscience. 
Thats the weak for you..giving everything a name.


"You can flee" they tell me. 
Flee? there is no such thing. 
This country is a part of my being. 
Since birth that 11 years ago - this is my destiny. 
Head strong, shoulders back... I turn this corner.
I attack.
I was trained, I was taught, I knew.
There is no time left.


The grown men I face, used to laugh and spit. "Child."
The men that took my parents. 
I used to curse them.. but words are not enough.
Bullets do the trick, though. 


Silence, oh how I love thee. 
As I stand on him. His cold chest my throne.
1 down. 
Look who's laughing now.
I've claimed my victory. 
Tomorrow my siblings will play outside. 

The Fear.

Forget about guns..& forget ammunition 'cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission.* 

Study Hibaq Study.

So here I am, in my room - doing shit all. Yet, not really procrastinating...because I do have my work in front of me. (:

Its wednesday, the third day of my study leave and I'm sick of studying! Really annoying thing is that my next exam is in exactly a week; I was working hard from saturday night until tuesday morning.. and then I had my first written exam that afternoon. & I must say, that really messed up my routine. Now all my mind & body wants to do is...well, nothing. Feeling like this ---> (-_-) < Yup, that explains it pretty well.

I've tried focusing, seriously. Did some yoga and meditation,  put some music on and just tried to relax and it was going well until I opened up my maths book. Major fucking mergh! So that's where I am, books on the bed, laptop on the bed, pens all over the place, music on blast and I cannot work. I managed to squeeze in some history revision though, (find it SO much easier than maths).

[Oh yeah, some info: I chose History, German & Business Studies for my chosen GCSE subjects. & plan to take English Lit, Psychology, Sociology & History for A-Levels. Then hooopefully, continue with psychology and either get into Clinical Psych or Forensic Psych (maybe even psychotherapy) as a career... yeah I've got it planned, LOL.]

Just thought I should slide that in there 'cause I was talking about school & such.

Anyhow. I really need to get down to work, 'cause I still have 11 exams to go and if I don't revise, I know I'll fail the ones I need the most i.e Maths. Its 1.27, I have a good two hours before I go out & if I was in a studious mood I could work on & mark a past paper; but I'm not.

Okay fuck it. The books are going away, I'm going to make some lunch and if I can get focused by sixish tonight, I'll do some maths then. There you go, problem sorted.

Now.... how do I go about getting these old somali women who consider themselves my relatives out of my house?

You read all of that shizzlesticks? Man, you must really love me.

Now gtfoh. 

x

You are gold!

GOLD!
Always believe in your soul.
You've got the power to know..
You're indestructible!

12th May 2010.

It's a mind of two states.
Knowing your worth; yet feeling worthless.
And at some point everybody can relate.
Emotions running so deep, yet not touching the surface.
A call out for help, is silenced by the smiling.
Soldiers wound.


War cry, torn flesh, grabbing on to what you have left.
Its never the same from this side, is it?
Spread the word and pass it on, somethings about to go wrong.
Right side, right mind, right vision. Wrong signs.
Easily lead to believe in those that disbelieve
In themselves.


Growing tears. Wasting years.
Stretch those bones, return home.
It all comes back to hidden fear.
Those chains have left a scar for too long.
Am I making myself clear?


If not..
Tomorrow is another day.
Or so they say...
Maybe then you'll understand!
I was born to be an achiever.
So for now I tell myself... "Carpe Diem".
& hope to die a believer.

♥

I'm miles from where you are.
I lay down on the cold ground and I,
I pray that something picks me up..
And sets me down, in your warm arms.

*

Before I bid you adieu
Do this one thing for me, outta the trillions of numbers that's in the world,
Just leave me a few, that lead to you,
Won't be longing, I'll see you in the morning.
You're my sunshine.
You're my moonlight.
You're the starry skies above me won't you please come down and hug me,
Think I found love in this club tonight.

o_O Iceland Volcano !

Considering there is a FB page dedicated to these pictures, I'm obviously not the only one who thinks they're awesome. So beautiful! 

I've got to say though...... people not being able to fly because of the ash plume, sucks. I've got a friend who went back to Lithuania for the easter break and isn't able to fly back yet. I don't think she minds all  that much though, lol. Worst thing is, my head teacher is apparently stuck in India. My german teacher is stuck in Brazil, my p.s.e teacher is apparently stuck in Australia and an art teacher at my school is stuck at Uganda. Eh, thats annoying (exams in  a month!) but hey what can we do. Its all natural (: 

A little bit more personal.

If I'm quite honest, I'm not one to tell the world about my issues or something I'm dealing with, I'm used to holding it all in and then writing it down at some point. Lately though, my mind has been crazy with thoughts.....making it hard for me to focus, sleep and smile. Kinda shitty considering I'm on my last few days of easter break and I'm meant to be enjoying myself. 

Annnyywhooo. 

So that this doesn't end up being some long shizzle, let me just cut this short and say that in the last 3 & 1/2 years I've had some experiences that have completely altered who I am, they've forced me to become more reserved and made me look at the world in a different view, I guess I took off my rose tinted shades to face the harsh reality that is life. Although I do have to live with these things and carry the "baggage" with me, I've learnt to move on and not bring them into my everyday life. I suppose things were going well until this week when I received a phone call telling me that I had to go to a "meeting". My first thought *what the fuck is going on?!* I guess I was scared and my head quickly filled with flashes of memories that I'd rather forget....... The rest of that story is shizzlesticks, lets just say that I could pretty much determine somebody's future and I'm not quite ready to think about that, probably because I'm not quite sure what to do, and my decision although I hate the idea, will probably be a selfish one. I'll keep you posted with updates as things go on. 

Secondly, even though I pretty much knew what was going on and suspected it to happen. This week I also found out that my mum & step-dad's marriage is over, and that he's leaving tomorrow. Like I said, this doesn't bother me much, firstly because I didn't really like him anyway, and secondly because I kinda knew it was going to happen. This time though, its not about me. Its about the three kiddies he's leaving behind, the three kids that he never was much of a father to, the three kids who call him their hero. So the youngest Zakaria, is three....he's one of those kiddies that stands at the window waiting for his pops to come back from work, and recognises his car. This whole situation upsets me because I know it will upset them, and I cant stand the idea of seeing them breakdown, just so you know my mother is AMAZING and all three of my siblings will have happy childhood just like I did, simply because of that woman.When I was 8, the age that my younger sister Maysan is at the moment,  I had my older sister and brother around and so I didn't feel as though I was missing out on the shiz that other kids did with their dads. & I've promised myself that thats how I'll be with Maysan, Yusuf (4) and Zak. I promise that I'll be there when they need to cry, I'll be there to take them to see him, I'll be there to take them out and make sure that their lives are filled with laughter and smiles. I'll be there. God Willing.

Now, I know there are people going through worst things than I am going through right now, this post wasn't for me to complain. These are just my thoughts and they probably give you a little insight into why my moods have been so messed up this week. Typing this out is just a way for me to remember that I cant get rid of things and probably shouldn't keep shiz inside all the time, considering I don't like to talk about this sort of stuff its much easier for me to type it. 

Thanks for taking the time out.

'Tis appreciated.. 

<3

Quotes, Proverbs.....shizzlesticks.

Just a buncha random quotes and proverbs, enjoy.

"...and when I can i'm gonna build me a castle that touches the clouds..not to get closer to God...but to get further from y'all"

- Slug

"The most important parts are the ones that are unseen. The wings don't make you fly and the crown don't make you king."

- Lupe Fiasco

"I am nothing but a shell of the man I once was, so you can put me to your ear and hear yesterdays ocean."

- Sage Francis

"Too bad the world dosen't rhyme and teachers like us get paid like the homeless."

- Sole

"Flashy words make the world turn but it don't turn right. So I take these real eyes to realize the real lies that are spoken but not heard, 'cause we are more fascinated by that which are fabricated."

- Shihan.

"But I wonder how the field nigga would feel, if he was sitting next to you on the A Train at apoximatley 3oclock, any day of the week and he heard his little great great grandson speak, dozens if not hundreds of times from 59th street to West 4th the word that made black families pack up in the south and move north!"

- Julian Curry.

"That rag on your head is somehow keeping knowledge from seeping into your brain. Don't you see that you're dying for nothing rather than living for something, you're self destructing and just fucking your own self over."

- Gemini.

"Days are gonna start gettin longer if people make the world go round...."

- Buck 65

"See you're, unbreakable, unmistakable, highly capable, lady that's makin' loot.
A living legend too, just look at what heaven do, send us an angel, and I thank you."

- Kanye West.

"You see, you wouldn't ask why the rose that grew from the concrete had damaged petals. On the contrary, we would all celebrate it's
tenacity."

- Tupac Shakur.

"If the wind comes from an empty cave, it's not without a reason."

- Chinese Proverb.

"Achievement brings its own anticlimax."

- Maya Angelou.

"Death, so called, is a thing which makes men weep, And yet a third of life is passed in sleep."

- Lord Byron.

"At exactly which point do you start to realize, that life without knowledge is death in disguise?"

"Or is it the mind state that’s ill, creating crime rates to fill the new prisons the build."

- Talib Kweli.

"He that goes a borrowing goes a sorrowing." 

- Benjamin Franklin.

"Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested."

- Francis Bacon.

"Alway ride the horse in the direction it's going."

- Werner Erhard.

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."

- Albert Einstein.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

- Mark Twain.

"A journey of a thousand steps means nothing if you walk in a circle."

- Vernon T. Scott II (@VBeam)

"Never a failure, always a lesson"

- No idea....Rihanna's tattoo though, haha.

"He who does not feel me is not real to me,
Therefore he doesn't exist. So, poof... vamoose, son of a bitch."

- Jay-Z.

"Now come on everybody let's make cocaine cool. We need a few more half naked women up in the pool,and hold this mac-10 that's all covered in jewels, and can you please put your titties closer to the 22's."

- Lupe Fiasco.

"When I fall in love, I take my time. There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind. You can turn off the sun, but I'm still gonna shine."

"I've always wanted to kiss you but I've always wanted to run from you, 'cause I've always wanted to miss you and I've always wanted to come to you."

- Jason Mraz

"People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within."

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"The one who eats has tasted the hardship of labour."

"Like ants, eat little and carry the rest back to your home."

- African Proverb.

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same."

- Anne Frank.

"Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient."

- Aristotle.

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."

- Buddha.

"Dream as though you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."

- James Dean.




There's so many more I could've stuck in here, ahwells.
<3

Mr Mainstream Rapper.

I bet you knew who you were.
At some point you were real.
Your heart pumped blood furiously around your body, 
that same heart is now a machine of steel. 


Your mind was once murky with a whirlpool of thoughts,
emotions that you never tried to hide.
& now all I see is that black river of greed
through your dull, drowsy eyes. 


When you were younger, you had an open mind.
The world fascinated you, your soul burned bright.
Your dreams brighter. 
Your head light, your heart lighter.
Your vision clear.


Now you are no longer a person, but an object.
Your music travels far and wide, 
and you simply haven't got the voice to object. 
Your money belongs to one man, and your lyrics to another.
That soul belongs to the devil, 
as you're sprayed from cover to cover
You have no legal rights to anything you've made, 
but you love the attention too much so wont risk a claim,
you'd rather have this so called fame, 
than your own god damn name.


I see you. You've changed.
As you walk onto stage I feel your presence,
and its just not the same.


Tell me sir, when did you forget who you were?
& Mr Mainstream Rapper are you proud of who you've become?
When your own family wont look you in the eye,
and the streets that raised you 
are too ashamed to call you "son". 

"Who the fuck are ya'll?"

To be quite honest, the millions of covers of this song ruined it for me. I gotta say though, this video is a lot better than I thought it would be, not so typical. I wish somebody would tell the dude to stop with his hands so much though, always getting in the way of his heavily made up face!  

What has happened to R & B ?

I really do want to know what's happened to R&B nowadays 'cause I hear people complaining about the state of Hip Hop all the time and I do agree with what most of them have to say, but what about the rhythm 'n' blues? Don't you ever have one of those days when you want to listen to something slow and calming? 'Cause I know I do..... 

Too many vocalists no longer care about the music, or the lyrics. They don't care about reaching out to people and instead care only about the money, the parties, the celeb friends.... and more importantly they don't want to work to get there, instead they want to be rich and famous with one or two singles. What kind of shizzlesticks is that? & On the other hand, I know and have heard of many people who bust their back day in and day out trying to promote themselves and their music, people with real talent who want to pursue the dream not only for themselves or their family, but also for the people they think their songs will reach out to. 

I don't know about you, but I'm really missing R&B groups like..... 

- Jagged Edge

- Boyz 2 Men

- 112

- Jodeci

- Blackstreet

*Swoon at all of them. 

I only heard of their music through my mother & sister 'cause I was like....2 when some of these groups started out. Yet what I do know is that for most of these groups, you could single out each vocalist and they'd all be able to hit notes, all be able to add their bit to the group and yet still be original and have their own tone. You don't get that now, nowadays in R&B groups its just two guys who can sing properly and another three guys who might as well be the background dancers holding a mic accidently. Its all about pretty faces, flashy jewelry and eccentric performances. Nothing I can sway my arms to, nothing to really make me FEEL anymore. 

& with all these fast, poppy kind of songs, half the time I cant even hear what the person is singing. I guess what I'm saying is .......... play a piano or an acoustic guitar.

Scratch that GO A CAPPELLA! 

No Apology.

I don't want an apology. 

I'm done feeling sorry

for myself.

I just can't stand the hatred, the rage that consumes my body.

Every time I hear your voice on the other line.

The anger that tells me to hang up.

Even though I know you just want time

with me. 

This is about the relationship you failed to hold on to.

When you'd call 'cause you needed to hear my voice

so that you'd feel like a better father.

Not even that. 

So you'd feel like a better person.

I've always wondered ... what do you know about me?

Do you know I prefer music over t.v. 

and that I don't like to travel without some sort of book with me?

Is that the sort of stuff you even care about?

I doubt

it.

This is for the money I gave to charities.

The notes they threw back in my face, with smiles.

Said they didn't want pity money, it didn't count,
wasn't worthwhile.

This is for the letters I fed to the bins.

The words they spat up, with a rough cough and green paste.
Told me that this blur of vowels and consonants 
left them with a sickening taste. 

I don't want an apology. 
I don't need one. 
What I did want was a daddy.
When I needed one. 

Jihad

I get on the platform and I get The Look.
From five people.
The same look I get at least twice a day - yes I've counted.
Every time I leave my house.
Whether I'm out during the day or night. Dark or light.
I could be ending my day, or starting it.
And its the same, same old shit.


I AM TIRED OF IT.


That look of hatred and disgust.
In a world where people hate to discuss
and only discuss to hate.
Sometimes I'd like to physically retaliate but by doing that..
I'm only reinforcing the idea of what you say I am today.
So I refrain.


When I enter the train I choose to stand.
Letting others take the seats around me.
I feel eyes on my neck and as I turn around,
the same eyes, look the other way.


Like I have a massive scar that they simply cannot face.
The adhaan ringtone blares from my phone and they cower away.
Thinking "FUCK. I'm gunna get blown up today!"
I know.
I know its my appearance they cannot stand.
My eyes they cannot look into because,
my hair they cannot see.
They don't know why, and do not ask.
They think my eyes will scold them.
My touch harsh.
My words aggressive.
The Look does more harm to me -
than I could ever do to them.


Still, I pray for them to have courage. I pray for questions.
I pray for them to learn, even if they do not agree.
I pray for them to look deeper, look deeper
and tell me what they see.
I pray.


This is my struggle. This is my Jihad.
To proudly walk down the street. Wearing my Hijab.

Building Foundations

There's buildings that keep on falling down
yet everytime the hit the floor they make no sound
no matter how dramatic their fall may be
you'll never see these buildings brodcasted on t.v
never mentioned on sky , never shown on the bbc.
Oh how I pray for a channel four documentary
just so people can see how much these buildings
matter to you and to me.
But the media doesn't give the time
and has failed to recognise that these buildings could've
changed our lives , saved our lives
put and end to all this hunger and strife
let peoples lips say " I have lived life "


These buildings , let me correct myself they're simply foundations
but when foundations are destroyed , what do you have ?
Nothing. Nothing


These foundations are still taken from every nation
these foundations are not saved from starvation
these foundations are quick to grow old
even though they are younger than 16 years old.
tortured , unfed , extremely sick
caring for their whole family
even though they're just kids.


This is less than they deserve
when we panic at the smallest things
they stay calm and reserved
while their community is breaking off bit by bit
spare a thought , just sit & think
where do they go when they've lost hope?
when we turn to music and computer screens
when we find confidence in our friends
they count their friends on their fingertips
including the deceased.
And when we lose friends and relatives
it strikes us with a pain that never goes away
but they lose the ones closest to them on a day to day.
Imagine their pain.


Every second that goes by
their minds and souls blacken with hatred for the world
the world that we also live in.


These children were the foundations of the new world
but they were killed off at six months old.
Who knows what they could've been
a skilled engineer, a respected politician
or who they could have saved
what if they were a doctor, or the scientist
that cured H.I.V & Aids ?


However , not all foundations have been destroyed
we must make it our job to save as many
as we think possible , because nothing is impossible
with our hearts & our minds, with our strength and our might
lets make a stand and develop a plan
lets bulid foundatons for tomorrows man
for tommorrows lady , for tomorrows teen
and for tomorrows baby.


Lets start today , 'cause there's no time to waste
For the future world , I pray

Happiness?

On what flower do the petals called happiness grow?
Do they come from the bud of a tulip,
Or the orchids white glow?
Maybe they are born of the white dandelion that floats past my ear
And when I fail to grasp it, does happiness disappear?

No , its not flowers that keep the world a happy place
Because even through cold winters and dark nights
Conditions in which to live , a plant would have to fight.
I still see , the sun behind the mist of the clouds
And a mother smiling at her only child.
I still see, lovers hugging ‘cause they’ve found one another
Or a family sharing a meal , because their proud of each other
So tell me now that happiness comes from a rose…

And in response I’ll tell you
That it comes from who you love , and what you know
What you’ve seen and what you’ve heard.
From who you are , and who you were.
It come from where you’ve been and where your going.

Happiness is that grandfather clock that always seems like its slowing.
So that we can cherish the past , and make use of today.
Happiness was born in your memories
But in your memories it will not stay
For it travels the same path as you. 

What you've taught me

The trees and bushes finally have meaning
As I look out of the window and see the sun gleaming,
I pay attention to the leaves on the branches
And at last I see colour.

Now in my mind I envision greens , dark and light
But with my eyes I see reds , warm and bright
And I immediately think of you.

So I’m thankful that you’ve been there when I’ve called your name
When you’ve helped me through situations
That couldn’t fully explain.

When I lost the words and I’d start to fight,
You told me it was fine , that I’d be alright
So I sat myself down and I’d start to write.

And sometimes it seemed as though you needed me
‘cause I wouldn’t call on you,
But there you’d be.

That’s when I learnt what real friendship means.
Not just to be there when that person is in a state,
But to be there no matter that persons state.
To be there , simply for the sake of being.