A little bit more personal.

If I'm quite honest, I'm not one to tell the world about my issues or something I'm dealing with, I'm used to holding it all in and then writing it down at some point. Lately though, my mind has been crazy with thoughts.....making it hard for me to focus, sleep and smile. Kinda shitty considering I'm on my last few days of easter break and I'm meant to be enjoying myself. 

Annnyywhooo. 

So that this doesn't end up being some long shizzle, let me just cut this short and say that in the last 3 & 1/2 years I've had some experiences that have completely altered who I am, they've forced me to become more reserved and made me look at the world in a different view, I guess I took off my rose tinted shades to face the harsh reality that is life. Although I do have to live with these things and carry the "baggage" with me, I've learnt to move on and not bring them into my everyday life. I suppose things were going well until this week when I received a phone call telling me that I had to go to a "meeting". My first thought *what the fuck is going on?!* I guess I was scared and my head quickly filled with flashes of memories that I'd rather forget....... The rest of that story is shizzlesticks, lets just say that I could pretty much determine somebody's future and I'm not quite ready to think about that, probably because I'm not quite sure what to do, and my decision although I hate the idea, will probably be a selfish one. I'll keep you posted with updates as things go on. 

Secondly, even though I pretty much knew what was going on and suspected it to happen. This week I also found out that my mum & step-dad's marriage is over, and that he's leaving tomorrow. Like I said, this doesn't bother me much, firstly because I didn't really like him anyway, and secondly because I kinda knew it was going to happen. This time though, its not about me. Its about the three kiddies he's leaving behind, the three kids that he never was much of a father to, the three kids who call him their hero. So the youngest Zakaria, is three....he's one of those kiddies that stands at the window waiting for his pops to come back from work, and recognises his car. This whole situation upsets me because I know it will upset them, and I cant stand the idea of seeing them breakdown, just so you know my mother is AMAZING and all three of my siblings will have happy childhood just like I did, simply because of that woman.When I was 8, the age that my younger sister Maysan is at the moment,  I had my older sister and brother around and so I didn't feel as though I was missing out on the shiz that other kids did with their dads. & I've promised myself that thats how I'll be with Maysan, Yusuf (4) and Zak. I promise that I'll be there when they need to cry, I'll be there to take them to see him, I'll be there to take them out and make sure that their lives are filled with laughter and smiles. I'll be there. God Willing.

Now, I know there are people going through worst things than I am going through right now, this post wasn't for me to complain. These are just my thoughts and they probably give you a little insight into why my moods have been so messed up this week. Typing this out is just a way for me to remember that I cant get rid of things and probably shouldn't keep shiz inside all the time, considering I don't like to talk about this sort of stuff its much easier for me to type it. 

Thanks for taking the time out.

'Tis appreciated.. 

<3